Mine Eyes
by firedraygon
Summary: Upon deciding that the DN fandom needs more crack, I bring you this collection of drabbles. Raito x L and gen. Now up: An Unlikely Fairy Tale!
1. Beat the Heat

**Beat the Heat**

"Misa is too hot!"

"I'm sorry, but the air conditioning system is broken."

"You're a genius, aren't you? Fix it!"

The heat was unbearable, summer temperatures reaching the mid 40's plus humidity. Raito wiped the sweat from his brow and tried to focus on the report his father had given him to look over. The cuff on his wrist was disgustingly warm and his usual preppy attire was disheveled and sticking to his body in all the wrong places.

The fan was working but all it accomplished was the blowing of more hot and muggy air into Raito's face. The weather report had predicted rain today, but not a cloud was in the sky and the sun was brighter than ever. For some strange reason, Raito wanted to know the name of that liar of a meteorologist.

Matsuda had suggested moving the investigation to a different building and Mogi seconded. Chief Yagami approved the idea and the team had set out to transfer locations, but L opted to stay back. There was no persuading him, and since L stayed, Raito stayed. And where Raito was, Misa would be.

"Ryuuzaki, can't you call in a technician to get it repaired?" Raito asked. Even his voice seemed to be dampened by the heat.

"No, I can't risk outsiders coming in. I'm sure you understand, Raito-kun."

No, Raito wanted to reply, he didn't understand because the heat was turning his mind into a haze and how were they supposed to get anything done if he couldn't even think properly? "Yes, I understand." He sighed. "Misa, you don't have to be here. Go to the mall or some other place with AC."

Misa gasped. "Misa could _never_! Not when Raito is suffering!"

Raito gritted his teeth. "Please, Misa, if not for yourself, then do it for me. _Please._" He gave her a meaningful look.

Misa bit her lip and tears formed at the corners of her eyes. "Raito loves Misa so much!" She ran over and pecked him on the cheek. Then she made her way out of the building, tears of joy streaming down her face, and headed for the movie theatre.

"You sure got rid of her quick," L said, and walked towards Raito.

"Her whining was getting on my nerves." Raito explained. His shirt was unbuttoned and peeled away from his lethargic limbs. He blinked twice. "You've got to be kidding. It's too hot for this."

"Nonsense. We're already hot and sweaty."

"Ha, so you suggest why not be hot and sweaty together?"

"Sharp as ever, I see."

Suffice to say L did a good job of getting Raito's mind off of the heat.

(Note: The next day, L announced that he had Watari fix the AC and this time, he actually turned it on.)

AN: Another drabble for meitachi. XD


	2. Drinking 1

**Drinking 1**

Raito watched as L awkwardly picked up his can with his index and thumb, gently tilting it to his lips and taking a sip. His vision blurred and blinked hard to refocus on the insomniac sitting across from him.

His plan had been ingenious, but so primitive that the other wouldn't have seen it coming. He was to drink L under the table after succeeding in convincing him that a well-deserved break was in order, and then proceed to extract the older man's real name from his drunken lips. Raito knew he could hold his liquor fairly well, but he had made one fatal mistake in his calculations:

L's alcohol tolerance was inhuman.

"Would you like another can, Raito-kun?"

Thirteen cans later and his pale companion could still speak clearly, whereas he was having trouble forming a coherent thought. Before he completely passed out, his mind registered the unusually damp soil in the potted plant next to the pyjama-clad man.

...That _bastard_.


	3. Drinking 2

**Drinking 2**

L studied the face of his drinking partner with unmasked curiosity. He idly traced the top of his can with his middle finger and then popped it into his mouth, licking off a droplet of beer. That year he'd spent in Ireland wasn't such a waste after all.

Raito mumbled something in his inebriated slumber. This was a perfect opportunity to gather information, L realized, and moved so that he was sitting next to his sleeping guest.

"Raito-kun, who tied for first on the entrance exams to Touou this year?"

No answer, so he poked Raito's cheek. A hand swatted his away and a slurred, irritated voice finally replied:

"Nn, me and...that son of a bitch, Ryuuga I _hate_ him..."

The corners of L's lips twitched upwards. This was definitely going to be interesting.


	4. Drinking 3

**Drinking 3**

Ryuuku hovered in the background and watched intently as the scene in front of him unfolded.

Raito had vomited all over the front of the messy-haired boy's pants, causing him to discard of his soiled clothing. Before the one known as L had a chance to get up and retrieve another pair, however, strong arms reached out and latched around his waist, refusing to relinquish their hold. And then Raito started smiling and purring.

_Purring_.

The sheer unpredictability in this situation was enough to make the death god giddy. He observed the futile attempts to escape with amusement and barked out a hoarse laugh when the pant-less boy let out an uncharacteristic gasp as his captor's elbow applied pressure to a particularly sensitive area.

If he'd known it would be this entertaining, he would've spiked Raito's drink long ago.


	5. Drinking 4

**Drinking 4**

Raito awoke to the hangover of all hangovers.

He squeezed his eyes shut and pressed his face into his pillow, never mind the fact that he was sprawled on the hard ground and the leg of the coffee table was jabbing into his hip. It was when his pillow shifted that his brain started working its gears again.

"Raito-kun, you are quite heavy."

He had never gotten up faster, which probably was a mistake, considering how his skull was reeling at the moment. His knee hit the edge of the table, sending a few empty cans dropping to the ground. He stumbled backwards and luckily landed on the couch.

What the hell happened?

Ryuuzaki.

Drinking.

Late last night.

But where were Ryuuzaki's pants! A part of him did not want to know the answer.

"As much fun as it was, let's not do this ever again."

Through squinted eyes he watched as the other man picked himself up and walked out of the room. Harsh chuckles grated on his nerves.

"Oh, shut up."


	6. Gender Swap

**Gender Swap**

Raito fidgeted with his collar, not because he was nervous, but because the frills were damn itchy. His resolve hardened as the clock ticked closer and closer to curtains up.

L was definitely going to die; painfully, slowly, and by his bare hands, Death Note be damned.

With his awesome acting abilities, he was sure to get the lead role, but this - _this _- was completely unexpected. The synthetic fibres of his wig tickled the back of his neck.

"Ahh, Raito-kun. You look very pretty."

He couldn't control the tick from his left eye. Pressing his pink- glossed lips together in a thin line; he turned to regard the man who had stripped him of his dignity.

"Break a leg tonight, Raito-kun."

"Good luck to you, too, Ryuuzaki."


	7. Furniture

**Furniture**

I won't let you sleep with Raito, she'd said.

He hadn't been planning to, but as much as he tried, sleeping on a chair while connected to someone who tossed and turned during the night was impossible, even for him.

I don't care, get two beds then, she'd said.

And so they had brought in two twin-size beds, which she pushed a metre apart.

I'll know if you cross this line, you pervert, she'd said.

Looking back, he didn't even know why he tried to appease her. It had been hours since they finally decided on calling it a day, but he still couldn't get to sleep. The mattress was lumpy (why they purchased it at a liquidation sale, he had no idea; they had the resources to afford better) and the springs creaked when he shifted. The worst part was the fact that he had to stretch out his arm over the empty space between the beds, since Raito was lying way over on his right side.

The chain rattled as the other moved again, and he decided that, really, enough was enough. Imaginary border be damned, he needed to let his brain rest.

"...Ryuuzaki?"

"Yes, Raito-kun?"

"What are you doing?"

"Sleeping. Isn't that obvious?"

"In my bed?"

"Yes."

"..."

"Go back to sleep, Raito-kun."


	8. Hobbies 1

**Hobbies 1**

Raito tapped the pen lightly against his chin as he furrowed his eyebrows.

"A volcanic rock; 13 letters."

The dark-haired man nibbled lightly on his thumb before answering: "Agglomeration." Raito quickly wrote it down and continued to fill in the blanks until another hint stumped him.

"Hard to deal with; 16 letters."

"...Cantankerousness."

They were taking a break, but he did not want his mind to wander, especially considering the unnerving direction it was taking as of late. Their plan to infiltrate Yotsuba would start tomorrow and tonight, everyone was tense, even if he didn't show it.

"Slaughterhouse; 8 letters."

"Oh, Misa loves crossword puzzles! It's an abattoir!"

Two pairs of eyes turned to the third person in the room. Ryuuzaki's finger-chewing halted abruptly, and even Raito almost dropped his pen. The girl gasped in horror and hastily corrected herself.

"Of course, Misa loves Raito the most!" The blonde proceeded to latch on firmly to Raito's arm.


	9. Hobbies 2

**Hobbies 2**

It started out innocent enough. He would leave things in his teacher's desk, watching with a disguised amusement as she leapt from her chair in fright.

Then he moved on to greater things, like pulling the fire alarm. Of course, no one ever blamed him. He vaguely recalled a time his classmate ratted on him to the principal. The result had been rather enlightening:

"Honest, I _saw_ him -"

"Nonsense, why would Yagami-kun ever do such a thing? Go back to your classes."

It was then when he realized that he could pull off whatever he wanted, for, according to any figure of authority, he could Do No Wrong. The thrill had died down after that.

But when the black notebook presented itself to him, no surprise came from his decision.

He would be getting away with _murder_, which was a delicious thought in itself.


	10. Hobbies 3

**Hobbies 3**

Ryuuzaki gaped, wide-eyed. It had been so completely unexpected that the cup headed for his mouth hit his chin instead, spilling the sweet, hot liquid down the front of his shirt. He set the porcelain down and mechanically reached for a napkin to wipe the would-be stain. He could not tear his eyes away from the screen.

"_Oops I - did it again to your loove!"_

The voice died away to the sound of pattering water. To his left, police chief Yagami coughed nervously. "You see, my son has always wanted to be a pop star idol..."

He raised a hand to silence the older man.

"_...I'm not that innocent!"_

A calculating grin split from his lips.

One word: blackmail.


	11. Phobias

**Phobias**

There was only one advantage of being chained to Ryuuzaki, forced to stay inside the confines of a tightly secured fortress of a building, and that was the knowledge that nothing could get in unwanted.

Or so he believed.

It was around 5 in the morning, just an hour after they'd decided call it a night, when he felt a chill run down his spine. He opened his eyes and, lo and behold, a spider was dangling above his face.

Heart in his throat, he, he jerked to the side, effectively crashing into his bedmate. In the dimness of the nightlight (Ryuuzaki insisted they have one), he could see the spider drop to his pillow and crawl towards him. He scrambled desperately and fell off the bed, pulling the uncoordinated insomniac down with him. They landed in a heap of arms, legs, and sheets.

Ryuuzaki was the first to recover.

"Raito-kun, what's going on?"

"Spider. Above me. Oh shit." A deep, calming breath. "Where is the security around here, Ryuuzaki!"

"I don't screen insects."

"They're not insects," Raito said vehemently. "They have two too many legs and no distinct thorax."

"...Is that a spider in your hair, Raito-kun?"

"You sadistic bastard, you think this is funny! Get it off, get it off, get it OFF!"

The dark-haired man's lip quirked upwards as the other frantically raked his hands through his hair.

Served Raito right for making fun of his nightlight.


	12. Alternate Death Note

**Alternate Death Note**

They had been working on the investigation for months now. He'd poured his blood and sweat into the project, and this is how they repaid him? His weekends for the past half year were spent in the office doing research, and he hadn't dared to take a vacation. What his children were up to was a mystery to him, and his wife was surely neglected. 

All in the name of Justice, he'd reassured himself. And then they cut him from the team.

He walked into his home and slammed the door, alerting his family of his precense. His wife gave him a reprimanding look, but returned to the dishes in silence. Wordlessly, he made his way to his room and shut the door, locking it. He bent over and pried up a piece of the floor board, and he revealed a dusty, black notebook.

He would show them all.


	13. Crossovers

**Crossovers**

"Yagami-kun, long time no see. How about a game"

Raito regarded the person before him with nonchalance. "...Who are you"

A hair twirl. "I'm Ryuuzaki, remember? Nfu"

"I'm afraid we've never met before. If we had, I assure you, I would recall."

"Don't be silly, Yagami-kun, I'm -"

"Ah, Sayu-chan!" Raito quickly side-stepped the dark-haired boy and hugged his little sister.

"Aniki! Stop that!"

"Sayu-chan, how has school been?"

"Yagami-kun, about our game -"

"You should come visit today. Mom's making your favourite raspberry tarts."

Sayu growled. "Maybe some other time. Ryuuzaki-sempai is training me tonight."

Raito's eyes flashed dangerously. "Oh, really? That's too bad."

"There you are! Yagami-sempai, your match is starting right away!"

"Saa, I best be off then. See you, Sayu-chan."

Ryuuzaki silently fumed as Raito walked towards the courts.

(AN: This is a crossover with PoT, just in case you didn't know. XP)


	14. Strange Bedfellows

**Strange Bedfellows**

Raito stared at the spinning fan hanging from the ceiling and wondered, again, why it was on.

Because I get hot in bed. I'm sure you can understand, Raito-kun.

The chain on his wrist was cold and never seemed to warm up regardless of whether or not it was under the blankets. He turned his head to the left and his gaze fell upon Ryuuzaki, who was looking back at him with intense eyes.

_Crunch._ A moment of silent chewing.

"Did you want a bite, Raito-kun?" A few crumbs splattered on his cheek and he raised a hand to wipe it off, chain rattling between them.

"No, I've already brushed my teeth, thank you."

Raito cursed the other man's insanely thick pyjamas and pulled the sheets in tighter around himself.


	15. Games 1

**Games 1**

Raito watched his opponent warily. The other was good, but he knew he could win.

"B-12."

"Hit."

He surveyed the playing field. The probability of each move in was calculated in his mind slowly, deliberately; he kept his eyes on his foe, waiting for any sign that betrayed its position. A drop of sweat dramatically trickled from his brow.

"...G-9."

"Miss."

Raito tightly palmed the small peg before putting it back in the case to exchange for one of a different colour to place correctly.

"B-13."

"...Hit." Raito closed his eyes and said through gritted teeth, "You sunk my battleship."


	16. Games 2

**Games 2**

Raito glared at the girl who was supposedly in love with him, and the man he was chained to, as the two gave each other high-fives. Or rather, as Misa tried to high-five Ryuuzaki, who simply held out his hand awkwardly.

"We make an awesome team, don't we? Kyah, Misa loves this game!"

"I agree. We work well together."

"You know, the fact that the two of you are working together goes against the name of the game."

"Complaining are we, Raito-kun?"

"…No."

And so they continued.

"Go directly to jail. Do not pass go, do not collect 200."

"I can _read_, Ryuuzaki. Here." He used his 'Get out of jail free' card, thankful that he didn't have to pay to fine. Misa pouted.

A few turns later, Raito's left eye twitched slightly as he read his card. 'Take a walk to Boardwalk.' The little red building stood menacingly on the board.

"Raito-kun, I believe you owe me something."

Raito silently unbuttoned his shirt and slipped one arm out, then pushed the other sleeve off until the piece of clothing hung on the handcuff chain between them. Misa ran off to get a camera and he glared harder.

Whose bright idea was it to play Strip-Monopoly anyway?


	17. Games 3

**Games 3**

Raito's finger tapped slowly on the table top. His eyes darted from an invisible point on the wall to his hand, then back again. He narrowed his eyes and lowered tilted his head about 20 degrees to the right -

There.

L smirked mentally.

"I call your 4 Pot of Gold chocolates and raise you 3 Ferrero Rocher's."

L heard Raito suck in a slightly sharper breath, and he knew this game was his.

"I call."

L displayed his two-pair deuce and fives to his opponent. Not a very high hand, but according to earlier observations, Raito was clearing bluffing. Knowing this, however, he was shocked and appalled to witness Raito lay down a ten-high straight flush.

"Another round, Ryuuzaki?"


	18. In the End 1

**In the End 1**

_He did it. He finally trapped Kira. The case was over._

"_Raito-kun, I knew you'd slip up eventually." There was a hint of smugness in his tone. The one in hand-cuffs, who was being led away from his headquarters, glared but remained silent._

_Another mystery solved, he congratulated himself. He opened the case of doughnuts he had purchased for this occasion, but lo and behold -_

He woke up with a start.

"Ryuuzaki, is it that dream again?" Strong arms wrapped around his waist and held him gently.

"Mmm."

"The one where I go crazy with power and you're the detective who's trying to catch me?"

"Mmm."

"Ah, I see. So how'd it end this time?"

"...There were no doughnuts."


	19. In the End 2

**In the End**

"_L is dead."_

Raito dropped his cup of Star Bucks coffee and blinked as it splattered all over his notes. The other investigators rushed into the room, having heard the computerized statement from across the hall, and voiced their shock.

"Was it Kira?"

"No, if he knew about us, then we should be dead as well."

"Good point. Then diabetes?"

"Hmm, he _is_ always eating those sweets -"

"Idiots, you don't just suddenly die from diabetes. It's a terminal disease."

"...What?"

Raito's expression remained neutral as he quickly flipped on the TV and switched to the news.

"_...and earlier today, a man around his early twenties was hit by a stolen ice cream truck. Witnesses say they saw the dark haired man chasing down the vehicle when it suddenly made a u-turn and ran him over. He was sent to the hospital in critical condition. And now onto sports with Mikami Se -" -click-_

"This is wrong."

Yagami-san turned, puzzled. "What is it, son?"

"I didn't do this."

"Pardon?"

"This is so very wrong." Raito walked out of the room.

Matsuda noticed the VCR was on play-mode and shut it off. In another room, L ate his strawberry shortcake and monitored the screens. With this sudden turn of events, Raito was bound to slip up. Now he only had to wait and watch.


	20. Minor Character 1

**Minor Characters**

Dear Diary,

I saw him today. I know I've developed an unhealthy obsession towards him, but my heart beats faster whenever he's near. The teacher reprimanded him again about sitting properly. I think his posture's perfect.

He was also looking at _him_ again. If only I could write those longing gazes off as rivalry-induced glares, but alas, even I can see what is laid before my eyes. It's not fair. _He_ seduces all my friends _and_ the man of my dreams as well?

Why is it I always fall for the gay ones? Why, diary?

It's just not fair.

xx Kyouko


	21. Minor Character 2

**Minor Characters 2**

Yagami Sayu isn't a naive idiot. Just because she doesn't get top marks in all her classes doesn't mean she's clueless. She's street-smart, whereas Raito has inherited the book-smart genes of the family.

She admires him, and loves him like any sibling would, but she isn't blinded by his accomplishments.

Her parents don't notice, but she does. She notices the changes, however subtle, in her older brother, but she doesn't confront him.

He knows what he's doing. He always does, and she can't help but trust him.

Yes, Yagami Sayu isn't naive - she is her brother's sister, after all.


	22. Mythology

**Mythology**

"Raito, honey, don't forget: March 20th!"

"Yes, I will remember. You needn't worry so."

"How can Misa not? Six months in Hell -- literally!"

"It really isn't so bad. Well, I'd best be off now. Until we meet again in Spring."

With that, Raito kissed Misa farewell on the cheek, and descended into the depths of the Underworld. There was no one to greet him at the gate, but he knew the path to the Dark Lord's throne well enough.

"Ryuuzaki," he said as his eyes fell upon his King.

"Welcome home."

Up in the mortal realm, Winter raged on.


	23. Alternate Professions

AN: These are all drabbles written for the DN100 community on LJ. Please read and enjoy (and comments would be nice :3).

Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters.

**Alternate Professions**

The sun's rays were relentless.

He sat atop his throne, like a king observing his subjects. Clad in a long-sleeved shirt and pants, his bare toes curled around the edge of his seat. He shifted to get a better view of those which he was assigned to monitor.

Despite his slovenly appearance, he was always alert, ready and waiting. Waiting and watching.

Watching the endless blue for the white hands of a killer.

His baggy-eyed gaze nonchalantly scanned through the masses of sun-kissed faces. Sno-cone syrup dribbled down his chin as he blew his whistle.

Yes, here, he was Justice.


	24. Childhood

**Childhood**

"One fishu, two fishu, red-do fishu, brew fishu!" chortled Sayu happily. She ran up to her older brother, grinning with one of her front teeth missing. She held up the hard cover book. "Onii-chan, listen! I can read in English!"

"That's great, Sayu," Raito said, looking up from his copy of _The Da Vinci Code_, non-translated. He gave her a quick smile and went back to his book.

"Ord-do fishu, new fishu!" Sayu sang as she ran through the house.

"Sayu, you're going to get hurt if you --"

_CRASH_!

"Raito! Look after your sister!"

Raito sighed and flipped another page.


	25. Costumes 1

**Costumes**

"Ryuuzaki, tell me why we're doing this again," Raito said, tugging on his collar. Beside him, L threw on a white table cloth.

"Watari refuses to deposit money into my account due to budget cuts," L stated. His voice was slightly muffled from having his head covered.

"But aren't we a little, well, too _old_?" Raito asked, clearly distressed. Someone would surely recognize him, especially since his mask only covered the half his face.

"Nonsense, Raito-kun. This is free candy we're talking about." With that, L pulled on the leash and walked the two of them out of the hotel.


	26. Costumes 2

**Costumes 2**

Yagami Soichirou was having a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day.

"Hey there, beautiful," he said, slurring drunkenly. The young woman next to him flinched and stood. He grabbed her skirt.

"Yagami-san, could you please stop harassing my date?"

"R-Ryuuzaki, izzat you?" the former-Chief of police asked, looking around. "Where's Raito?"

L gave him an amused look and held up one pale wrist, showing a chain that was clearly linking him to the previously mentioned 'woman'.

Yagami Soichirou was having a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day, so of course he didn't notice that he had entered a gay bar.


	27. Favourites

**Favourites**

"_Yagami-san, how are you?"_

"_Busy, but otherwise, things are fine."_

"_Ah, and how is Raito doing in Touou?"_

Of course. Raito was the junior high tennis champion. He tied for the top university entrance score in all of Japan. He helped _trained professional_s decipher police cases. It really was no wonder that Soichirou had someone ask about his son at least once a week.

In the end, like any other proud parent, he would say something to the effect of, "Yes, we're definitely happy with all his accomplishments."

That said, Sayu, however belittled in her brother's shadow, would always be his favourite.


	28. Puns 1

**Puns**

Sweat beaded lightly on Raito's forehead under the intensity of the midday sun. He looked over to his competition and inwardly scowled. The bastard was still wearing his thick white sweater and didn't look the least bit uncomfortable in the suffocating heat.

"I win, Raito-kun," L said, breathing evenly after the 100-m dash they'd just finished.

"So it seems."

They lined up again, this time with L on the outside lane.

Raito noticed something and smirked. "You may be on the right track --"

"I'll always be a couple steps ahead," L interjected as he crouched down into position. Today he was wearing shoes. The laces were tied.

"-- But you'll never catch me."

The pistol shot rang through the air. Four laps later, Raito crossed the finish line. He noted the time, 1:44.4 -- his personal best. L came in shortly after, panting slightly.

Hiding his smug expression, Raito said in a neutral voice, "Looks like in the long run, Ryuuzaki, you lose."


	29. Puns 2

**Puns 2**

"Die, Ryuuzaki."

"...I beg your pardon?"

"The die. Pass it here please?"

Expression neutral, L bent down and picked up the six-sided figure. He tossed it over to Matsuda, who then continued playing Yahtzee with the other investigators.

* * *

"Die, Ryuuzaki!" 

"...Excuse me?"

"My hair dye! I'm not naturally blonde, you know. Where is it?"

"Oh. It's in the bathroom, under the sink."

"Thank you!"

L walked back to his studies, slightly agitated.

* * *

"Die, Ryuuzaki." 

"Not you, too, Raito-kun. Now if you'll please excuse me, I have better things to --"

"Die."

40 excruciating seconds later, Raito smirked.


	30. Sense of Taste

**Sense of Taste**

L folded the documents into the large, brown envelope and stood. He walked over to the sink and turned on the tap, dripping some water onto the dried glue of the flap before pressing it down and sealing the contents. He did the same to the stamps, wetting them with the extra drops on the metal surface.

"Paranoid, Ryuuzaki?"

"Whatever gives you that idea?"

"...I doubt they'd have any of your information on file, so no one would be able to find your identity through your saliva," Raito continued. L smiled faintly.

"Nonsense, Raito-kun. I just don't like the taste."


	31. Technology

**Technology**

"Don't bother. Ever since I got it, it's been doing that."

"But it's irritating. Always blinking the same numbers," Raito replied, pressing buttons.

"Then don't look, easy as that."

Moments later, Raito sighed, frustrated.

"It's flashing!"

"Here." L tossed some masking tape.

"That doesn't work. Did you keep the instruction manual?"

"Instructions?"

"...This is quite the dilemma."

"Indeed."

Matsuda resisted the urge to slap his forehead. He calmly approached the two geniuses and solved the problem, much to their awe and amazement.

"Amazing."

"I concur."

Matsuda replaced the VCR on the stand. He shook his head as he walked away.


	32. Movie Quotes

**Movie Quotes**

The Chief of Police managed to look mildly surprised after L's harsh accusation. "My son as Kira?" A chuckle. "Surely you are mistaken."

"I kid you not, Yagami-san. I mean, look at him. No really, _look_ at him. Perfect marks, starched and ironed pants, not to mention he's really, really, ridiculously good looking --" Here L paused to have another bite of his strawberry ice cream before pointing the fork at the older man and narrowing his eyes. "He positively reeks of suspicion. I'd give him a good 14. 16 if I can't find any other evidence that points to him being the murderer, the reason being that he has cunningly thought ahead and prepared himself. Hmm, that would be ingenius."

"Your logic fails me, Ryuuzaki. He's a fine young man and quite the model citizen."

"It's always the ones you least expect. That's practically an unwritten rule in crime solving. Matsuda? Mogi? Doesn't anyone else see it!"

A collective wave of nervous head shakes flowed through the line-up of investigators. L pushed his ice cream away, too irritated to eat. Dear Lord, he was working with a group of _idiots_.

"Agh, it feels like I'm taking _crazy_ pills!"

* * *

Omake, because it's fun: 

"Watari, where's my de-foamed double-latte?"

"I put it on the table earlier, sir."

"Then who could've taken it!"

"Perhaps Raito, sir?"

"Yes, that Raito -- he's so hot right now."

* * *

AN: If you didn't catch that, this is a Zoolander reference. XP I love that movie.


	33. Pets

**Pets**

"What are you doing?"

"Oh, it's Raito-kun." L said, and turned back to face the aquarium. A moment later, he answered, "I was feeding them." He dipped his fork in and swirled it around. The crumbs floated to the surface, followed by several of the more adventurous fish. "Why do you ask?"

Raito opened his mouth to reply, but decided against it and walked away, shaking his head. He muttered something along the lines of, "Like owner, like pet."

L grinned and took out the can of fish food, sprinkling some into the water.

He loved messing with Raito's head.


	34. Typo

**Typo**

The investigation team was watching the 11 o'clock news for any clues regarding the Kira case. To be more correct, Raito was watching the weather forecast and L was engrossed with his box of petit fours, courtesy of Matsuda's visit to the local bakery. ("Can you believe these were on sale? 100 yen each!") Chief Yagami and the others had gone home for the night -- their usual departure time was two in the morning, but after Raito saw the dark rings under his father's eyes, he'd done the sonly thing and insisted the older man go on home, he and L would take care of things here.

"…_and a 70 chance of rain tomorrow, with clouds and a high of…"_

"I suppose there may be more accidents tomorrow," L commented offhandedly, fork in mouth, though Raito did not miss the look L gave him from the corner of his eye.

Raito changed the channel, skimming through various programs (a cooking show, infomercials, a music video of happy Japanese girls singing in heavily accented English) until he found a station playing international news.

"…_four out of the five suspects for the Kelly murder case died in their holding cells, the big trial only seven days away…"_

Raito kept his surprise internal, but four out of five? What happened? He dutifully jotted down the names of the suspects as the anchorwoman continued with the story, but he wasn't really paying attention to the television set (he'd written these out earlier, after all). He chewed on the top of his pen and frowned as crumbs fell into the crack between the cushions of the sofa.

"Ryuuzaki, why don't you eat at the table?"

L countered with a small smile. "Is my eating disturbing your concentration, Raito-kun?" The dark-haired man leaned over, head almost resting on Raito's shoulder, and read the notes the other had taken.

"It's not that…" Raito began, irritated and exasperated.

"Hmm, you spelt Vachinovesky wrong," L pointed out, smudging the page with some cream. "It should be a 'y' at the end, not an 'i'."

AN: Because even geniuses make mistakes. Written as a request from meitachi from a drabble meme on LJ.


	35. Artificial Food Colouring

**Artificial Food Colouring**

L licked the remnants of his fourth cream puff from the base of his palm and 'hmm'ed in appreciation for the tasty dessert. Raito made a disgusted noise from the back of his throat.

"Why don't you eat some fruit or whole grains once in a while?" Raito took a crunching bite from his apple to emphasize his point. L's reply was to pop another pastry in his mouth as he glanced to the side. The auburn haired man followed his companion's train of vision to where a half empty box of tarts sat.

"…'100 real lemon filling' doesn't _count_."


	36. Got Your Back

**Got Your Back**

Raito closed his eyes and counted to 10 in eight different languages (most of them picked up from foreign news channels), but just when the damnable clinking and annoying tugs stopped at '_quatre_,' an odd rubbing noise began as the furniture creaked with a shift of weight. He placed his 0.5 pencil down with a little more force than necessary, breaking the tip of his lead, and gave the other an exasperated glare.

L paused in the middle of a rather awkward position on his swivel seat, knees bent and back arched as Raito reached around his shoulder and scratched.


	37. Bump in the Night

AN: For Acacia Brown, who wanted to draw some of the drabbles from this collection.

**Bump in the Night**

On the third day of their research marathon, at about 2 in the morning, Raito vetoed L's decision to stay up and catch the London 6 o'clock news.

"You're mad, Ryuuzaki. Mad."

"Nonsense, Raito-kun. I'm just being thorough."

"Fine then, tape it and we can watch it later!"

"Tired?"

"I'm not at one hundred percent, if that's what you're getting at."

"No, I'd have to say you're about 13.4."

"…Bed. _Now_."

L's displeasured glare, which communicated clearly "I can tell you timed this to be just after I've finished my fourth cup of tea," did nothing to deter Raito, who managed to drag the reluctant older man to bed. After having spent the past 60 or so hours scanning through databases and inch-thick reports, the second Raito's head hit the pillow he was out like a light.

"…You could've at least let me bring a midnight snack," L sulked, lying on his side with his knees drawn up to his chest. He fiddled with the chain connecting himself to his number one suspect and amused himself by thinking of the ramifications of sleeping with the enemy. He ran through the various clues as a means of keeping his mind busy. Yet despite his recent consumption of various sweet and caffeinated goods, his ridiculous metabolism worked overtime and L soon found his thoughts drifting and before he realized it, his eyes drooped shut. He blinked them open and paused.

There, suspended in the air beyond Raito's head, was an apple.

An apple quickly being eaten, as if someone invisible and hungry were chomping greedily on the juicy fruit.

L blinked again, and any evidence of there being any mysterious floating fruit was gone. Was he hallucinating, and if so, what on earth did an…apple…

The dark-haired man tensed and a half-strangled whine escaped from the back of his throat as Kira's message flashed through his mind's eye: _Did you know_…

L subconsciously huddled closer to Raito as he tried to reason his way through his irrational fear. You've just pulled two consecutive all-nighters, of course you're going to start seeing things, it's only natural. That wet spot on Raito's cheek is probably just some drool. You should've listened to Watari when he wanted to throw out those week-old cream puffs. As L continued to mentally reassure himself, he began to doze again.

Before he fully lost consciousness, L thought he heard a distant, grating laugh.

**OMAKE**:

Raito awoke to dampness at the back of his neck, and a tugging sensation on his hair. What the hell, he thought irritably, wasn't it only a dream about going to the salon, not --

And then he noticed the arm thrown around his waist, and the warm body pressed along the curve of his spine.

…

I'm still dreaming, Raito deduced. He shifted a bit and ended up pinching his arm between the loops of the metal chain.

Ow. Okay. Weird.

The tugging on his hair became sharper and he winced. What is this pervert doing, Raito thought, is he -- Raito paused, bewildered.

…He's chewing on my _hair_.

…This is the _last_ time I'm ever borrowing Misa's Strawberry-Passion Fruit conditioner, Raito wholeheartedly resolved before driving an elbow into L's defenseless gut.


	38. Bump in the Night omake II

**Bump in the Night omake II**

In the middle of a rather entertaining dream involving a hungry panda and L tied up with bamboo over a fire pit, Raito woke up with a jolt. His sudden movement caused the arms around his waist to tighten, and he froze as something hard pressed into the side of his hip.

Flustered, Raito maneuvered as best he could away without waking his sleeping companion, but the creaking mattress gave him away.

"Nn...Raito-kun?"

"..."

"Is something wrong?" L asked, nonchalant, pretending like his morning wood wasn't very obviously jabbing into his embarrassed friend.

"...No, nothing."

How awkward, Raito thought. He realized that L probably wanted to ignore what was happening completely, and he respected that, but he couldn't help it when his eyes flickered downwards between their bodies. L's eyes followed soon after, and they widened in a way that Raito would've described as comical if he hadn't been part of the situation.

"Oh."

"..."

"_Oh_. That's --"

"Um, it's okay, Ryuuzaki. These things happen --"

"-- where I put my box of Pocky!"


	39. Manipulated Variable

**Manipulated Variable**

L sat on his side of the bed, knees drawn up to his chest and blanket pooled around his clutching toes. It was only 2 in the morning but to his consternation, Raito had demanded they go to bed early. ("We've been pulling all-nighters all week. Besides, Misa is coming tomorrow and you _know _how she can be.") To his right lay said young man, eyes closed and face relaxed, breathing shallow and even. L nibbled on a double chocolate chip cookie thoughtfully, careful not to get crumbs on the sheets since the last time Raito went on a nagging spree. The sugar probably wouldn't help him get to sleep, but no one was going to interfere with his scheduled snack hour.

Eleven minutes later L finished the plate of deserts and wiped his mouth on the inside of his shirt. He shimmied down so that his head rested on his pillow and he drew the covers up to his chin. Like usual he curled up on his side facing Raito – as if he'd turn his back on his number one suspect – and began the arduous process of falling asleep.

Forty minutes passed and L was still wide-awake, which once again proved that couldn't be a genius at everything. Raito shifted in his sleep as if mocking him, and L narrowed his eyes. Not wanting to admit defeat, L employed a technique Watari had suggested last week when the circles under his eyes were even more pronounced than usual. He'd modify the strategy, of course, because sheep were just strange.

"1 strawberry tart, 2 chocolate crème puddings, 3 sprinkle doughnuts..."

* * *

L was on the 248th chocolate croissant of the 256 he needed to break the world record before he was rudely shaken awake.

"Ryuuzaki. _Ryuuzaki_."

"Nnngh…"

"Ryuuzaki!"

L jolted awake, sluggish glare full of accusation. "There were only _8 left_."

Raito raised an eyebrow in question, but refrained from commenting. Instead, he said, "C'mon, get up. It's almost 7 and Misa's coming in an hour."

"Unlike some people, I don't require an hour to prepare myself," L griped as he nevertheless complied and sat up. He was not a pleasant person before his morning caffeine.

Raito made a scoffing noise. "Right, because you'd walk out and meet the others just as you are."

L grunted back, neither confirming nor denying, though they both knew the statement was true.

* * *

The duo completed their morning routine, which consisted of 2 minutes of teeth brushing, a quick, shared shower, and scalding cups of coffee, one black, the other liquid brown sugar. Perched on his swivel chair, L was just about done his second tart when he noticed Raito's stare.

"Can I help you, Raito-kun?"

"…No. No, I'm alright."

L followed Raito's gaze, which landed on the dessert balanced on his knees. Then his cell phone rang and he carefully set the plate down to answer it, noting how Raito seemed to subconsciously follow the pastry with his eyes. How odd.

Misa was due to arrive in 15 minutes. Saying goodbye, L hung up the phone and quickly popped the rest of his breakfast into his mouth, washing it down a spot of lukewarm tea. Raito's surprisingly forlorn expression confirmed his suspicions.

L began to plan.

* * *

"See you next week, Raito!" Misa chirped happily, giving her love a peck on the cheek. L was glad he'd thought to limit the visits to 4 hours once-a-week otherwise they'd never get anything done. He was exhausted, both mentally and physically, as a harsh comment had led to fists and feet flying. The visit wasn't a complete waste, however, since he'd been able to observe rather astonishing behaviour from Raito.

For instance, he saw Raito steal longing glances at his bag of teddy grahams while Misa chattered on about how to accessorize, and when he magnanimously offered them some, Raito actually took one. And then when L had dumped a half spoonful of sugar to Raito's coffee, the younger man drank it without batting an eye.

Of course, L couldn't draw any firm conclusions yet. He had to perform some controls and test other variables, but things were starting to look interesting.

* * *

The following night L didn't count anything aloud, trying to see if it was his mumbling which had influenced his bed mate or if Raito just had a fluke craving for sweets. In the morning Raito glared and poured himself a new cup of coffee.

The next night they stayed up reading news articles.

The third night Raito was out like a light and L chanted dessert names again. In the evening when L checked the surveillance footage, he caught Raito sneaking a cream puff when no one was looking. L had to cough to mask his chuckle, earning a curious look from Matsuda.

On the sixth night, L counted farm animals and was amused to find little ducks and pigs doodled in a few of the report margins.

It was time to try something more daring.

* * *

To be continued in 'Dependent Variable,' which will be up soon! 


	40. Dependent Variable

**Dependent Variable**

Enough was _enough_, Raito thought, irritated. It was already a week since he'd been awakened by L's inane mutterings. It had been amusing at first to drop signs that the sad attempts at hypnosis miraculously worked, but now he just wanted to sleep after three long, caffeine-filled days and L kept talking about how tomorrow he was supposed to tell Misa she had a split end, which would certainly result in more trouble than it was worth. However, it wasn't like he could just sit up and say he was tricking L all along, since that would no doubt lead to how diabolical and Kira-like he was, never mind that he wasn't the one trying to manipulate someone into acting horribly out of character.

"…and then you will casually compliment Matsuda on his necktie…hopefully he wears the yellow striped one tomorrow…"

Dear Lord, the things he'd do to avoid building even more suspicion! Taking a deep, soundless mouthful of air, Raito shifted so he was closer to L. Then he turned over on his side and threw his free arm over, managing to drop it snugly around L's waist, pulling the detective even closer to his body. He faked a contented hum and nuzzled in deeper to his pillow, satisfied when L's continuous monotone abruptly choked off. Luckily this wasn't the first time something of this nature happened, the last being when Watari walked in on them huddling for heat since the thermostat was mysteriously set at 10 degrees Celsius. If it was, he wouldn't put it past L to note the sudden nightly movements, especially when Raito was usually known to sleep like a board.

He murmured a random woman's name and let his warm breath caress the side of L's neck.

"Raito-kun?" L's voice was just a little shaky. Raito decided he could afford to be a little bolder and weaved his bare leg (he preferred wearing boxers to sleep) between his bed mate's pyjama-clad ones and pressed just so to elicit a quiet yelp. By now Raito's face was pressed in the crook between L's neck and shoulder and he had to refrain from smirking lest he give himself away.

"…nghn…" L managed to strangle out. Raito tightened his grip just a bit when L tried to move away.

This isn't so bad, Raito admitted grudgingly to himself after a few moments of complete silence save for the buzz of the video camera in the top right corner of the room. In the middle of his next thought, the three days of no sleep caught up with him and he drifted off to the light feeling of L's chest rising and falling.

* * *

OMAKE:

"Raito's Misa is _here_! Where are you, my lo --"

A shrill scream filled the air, causing the two sleepers to jump up from the tangle of each other's bodies, but it was too little, too late. The image of Raito curled around L's figure, one hand slipped just a fraction below the other's waistband, could not be erased.

"What's the problem?" Matsuda ran towards the sounds of Misa's wailing. He got to the threshold of the bedroom doorway and paused at the sight.

"You, you PERVERT! How dare you try to steal Misa's Raito, you --!!" Misa was swinging her dainty purse at the black-haired man while he blocked ridiculously with his forearms.

A "Nice tie, Matsuda-san," broke the young investigator from his state of shock and he decided on a tactical retreat.


	41. Mello and the Chocolate Factory

**Mello and the Chocolate Factory**

"Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to infiltrate the factory and discover the secret behind the production of..._this_." L held out a fanciful circular object between his index and thumb.

Mello nodded vigorously, holding back the need to jump in the air and shout colourful expletives in joy. This was his chance to finally one-up that bastard with the toy fetish and _slightly _higher IQ. He'd show his skills and then L would choose _him_, not _Near_, as the true successor.

"Very good, then here is the file with all the information we've gathered thus far on this operation," L gestured to a thick file folder with some gold foil peaking out at the edge. "Also included are the back story and personality traits of the character you will be going undercover as. Commit everything to memory and report to Roger's office tomorrow at 6:00 am. You will meet your partner then."

L proceeded to pop the round item in his mouth and blinked at the younger boy. Mello knew a dismissal when he saw one; he snapped a semi-serious, mostly jaunty salute and grabbed the folder off the desktop before rushing back to his room, hoping that his partner wasn't going to be a certain white-haired freak.

* * *

After going through the all the files last night, Mello wasn't surprised to meet a beautiful older woman at the rendezvous point that morning. L was also there, sitting on a chair in his weird position, munching on a bar of chocolate. Mello gazed at it longingly.

A "Hello, 'Violet,' darling," snapped him out of his daze.

"Good morning, 'Mother.'"

The woman's laugh rang out. "Eyes on the prize, dear. We Beauregardes are winners."

"No need to remind me," Mello sneered. "Those punks won't know what hit 'em."

* * *

AN: Mello's partner is Wedie, playing Scarlett Beauregarde. I've mixed elements of both the 1971 and 2005 films. Sorry, haven't read the book. 


	42. Mello and the Chocolate Factory 2

****

Mello and the Chocolate Factory 2

Two weeks later Mello found himself in a hideous blue get-up, walking through the gates of the illustrious factory. To be honest, the hardest part of keeping up with this new persona was the fact that he couldn't eat as much chocolate as he wanted. He was a renowned bubblegum chewer after all. He whimpered when they'd ridden on the chocolate river, but kept a tight hold on his cravings.

…Alright, fine, so what if he'd needed to push that blubbering idiot to relieve some frustration? No one saw anything.

"Ouch." Wedie poked him in the side and nodded towards some sort of experimental candy shit. Honestly, who'd want to chew on gum that tasted like – oh, _gum_. Well fuck. The things he'd do to stay in character.

Mello grabbed the innocent sweet and shoved it in his mouth, ignoring the half-hearted warnings from Wonka. As expected, it was a disgusting as all get-out, and he was sorely disappointed when he discovered that chocolate cake wasn't for dessert. He'd give it a 3 out of 10 for – _shit, _where was his waistline _going_?!

Wedie's sharp elbow jabbed in again, this time she signalled for plan B.2a, which Mello particularly liked because it meant breaking off from the rest of these senseless children to go look for the recipe vault. And it quite possibly would involve some plastics (only if necessary, of course).

Mello kept the malicious grin off his face as the freakish orange midgets pushed him along.

* * *

AN: Mello's foul mouth makes its debut! Hope you enjoyed it. The next update will be the last installment of Mello's adventures in the factory.


	43. Mello and the Chocolate Factory 3

**Mello and the Chocolate Factory 3**

Wedie had opted to take a more conventional method of travel and high-tailed it out of the factory in her red Porsche. The bitch definitely didn't know what she was missing out, that's for sure. Mello leapt out of the flying contraption before it went crashing into an old shed at the side of the orphanage. Dusting off his track pants, he sneered at the little heads poking out from the windows of the big building. "What're you fuckers looking at? Ain't none of you seen a glass elevator before?" he derisively snorted, pointedly gesturing to the flaming pile of wreckage. Then, after his adrenaline levels started lowering, he noticed the colour of his hands.

"What in the name of all things holy _fuck_ –"

"Ah, Mello, Wedie called two minutes ago and said you'd be back," L said, shuffling in his awkward way across the lawn. The older man paused in front of Mello, and after a moment stated rather matter-of-factly: "You're blue."

Mello bit back the 'good observation, genius' because L _was_ a genius, and just took out the folded piece of paper from his back pocket. "Here's the recipe."

L took the sheet and skimmed it, face turning pensive as he got lower and lower on the page. Mello held in the urge to fidget. That _had_ to be the right one. Although everything was written in some gibberish code, Mello had picked out the sheet with the bloody picture of the everlasting gobstopper stamped on the front of it. He would've transcribed it before handing it in, but there was no time in between getting chased by the orange ankle-biters and hijacking the elevator. Still, he figured for someone with L's IQ, it shouldn't have taken more than a few minutes to decipher…

"You're sure this is the right recipe?"

"It was in the 'Secret Vault' just like the mission notes said!"

"Then it seems we've underestimated Wonka." L chewed his thumbnail morosely. "I will enter this into our computers, but I am 68 percent convinced that it cannot be decrypted. This is a rather distressing turn of events."

"But –"

"Please give the rest of your report to Roger. I will contact you if I need your assistance again." With that, L went back inside.

Foiled! Again! All of that – dressing up like a girl, getting turned into a human blueberry (if his pants no longer fit someone was going to _die_) – and no "Good work; as expected of my future-successor"?! Okay, so he didn't really think L would say it quite like that, but an acknowledging nod would've been nice.

Mello glared at the various onlookers and stalked into the orphanage, heading towards his room.

Fine. At least he still had his chocolate.

* * *

OMAKE! One week later…

"Fuuuuuuuuuuuck! Where are they?!" Mello pulled open every cupboard door and drawer in the kitchen. Cereal boxes were scattered on the ground. Matt's foot crunched a Cheerio and Mello whirled on him. "This isn't funny. Where. Did. You. HIDE THEM?!"

The goggled boy edged away. "Hide what?"

"My chocolate bars, you little shit!"

"I didn't – no, I wouldn't."

"Then what…"

Previously unnoticed and building a mini-tower from the fallen Shreddies, Near spoke up in a toneless voice: "Apparently the candy factory Roger made a contract with was forced to close down for repairs."

During Mello's characteristic cursing at his unfortunate friend, he was crying just a little on the inside.

* * *

AN: The recipe was written in Loompa language. I guess L and Mello have never eaten raw cacao beans…


	44. Fourth Wall

**In Which L Attempts to Break the Fourth Wall, but Raito Refuses to Join In**

* * *

"Raito-kun."

"Hm?"

It was late, around three in the morning, and the two geniuses were the only ones left in headquarters. Wait, Watari was probably in the building somewhere, but Raito rarely saw him unless he was delivering top secret information, or sugary desserts, to L. In any case, they were alone, and from previous experience this was the time when L was most dangerous. Raito put his pen down after scribbling a few quick notes in the margin of his report, giving the other man his full attention.

"Do you ever think…?" L paused and chewed a bit on his thumb.

Inwardly exasperated, Raito gave an appropriate "go on" at this point.

"Well, do you ever feel like we might be some characters in an elaborately staged drama, conjured up by some higher power for the entertainment of others?"

…_What the heck?_ "Ryuuzaki, are you talking about determinism here? Fate?"

"No, no. But recall that I don't think there's such thing as coincidence. So, considering our unique situation, it's all rather…_suspicious_…don't you agree?"

Cautiously (Raito didn't like that 'suspicious' L threw in there), the brown haired teen replied, "It's rather unlike you to have an existential crisis."

"Raito-kun, think for a moment: why would two relatively handsome young men be handcuffed together for an indeterminate amount of time?"

"You're the one who came up with the demented idea!"

"Exactly. Even now I think it's a rather inefficient method of ascertaining whether you are Kira. Logically, I should have given you free reign while continuing to monitor you inconspicuously, that way you'd be more likely to drop your guard and get caught –"

"Hey, I'm _not_ Kira –"

"But for some reason, after imprisoning you I decided that it would be best to chain you to my body. A rather risqué move, that."

Raito spluttered.

"Oh, sorry, my mistake. I believe the correct term is 'fanservice.'"

More spluttering.

"You know, like when you watch TV and some busty girl runs along the beach…"

"Stop! Why are you comparing us to Baywatch of all things?!" Taking a deep breath and running a hand through his bangs, Raito managed to calm down. "Ryuuzaki, what on earth brought on this discussion?"

"Truthfully, ever since meeting you face to face, I've been experiencing more and more moments where I am out-of-character, so to speak."

Despite himself, Raito asked, "Oh?"

"The other day, while you were eating that fettuccini alfredo and some of the sauce was stuck on the top of your lip, I had the strangest urge to lick it off your face."

"What?!"

"I know! I don't even like Italian food, except for the desserts. What about you?"

"Do I like Italian desserts?"

"No, have you ever had uncharacteristic thoughts or actions?"

Raito pursed his lips together. He was _not_ going to encourage L and his wild tangents, though last weekend, he _had_ thought most peculiarly that pre-coffee L looked and acted like a grouchy, cuddly panda… "Okay that's enough! You've clearly overtaxed your brain today. We are going to sleep." Raito yanked on the chain, intending to lead L to their bedroom but stopping short when he didn't budge. "What is it now?"

"…Do you ever wonder why we're sharing a single bed?"

"Because it's more _convenient_?"

"But that's ridiculous. It is completely within my budget to afford two beds. Also, if you think about it, being able to psychically murder people is a handy plot device –"

"ARGH!!"

Suffice to say L kept Raito up all night, but sorry, not in that way ladies and gentlemen.


	45. An Unlikely Fairy Tale

**An Unlikely Fairy Tale**

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there lived a king and a queen who desperately wanted a child. Alas, the fertility test at the local clinic declared the queen barren. In a fit of desolation she hid the results from her husband and instead turned to the forbidden arts in order to conceive.

"Double, double, toil and trouble...I'm too lazy to come up with a rhyme. Just let me get pregnant!" The queen threw in a couple of questionable leaves into her bubbling potion, then gulped the gunk down. Immediately afterward, she passed out onto the floor.

The next morning, a messenger entered her chambers and prodded her awake with one toe.

"My queen," he said, "I bear news from the doctor's office." He handed her an official scroll and skedaddled.

"What's this?" the queen asked, groggily. She broke the seal and began to read the contents aloud. "'Excellent news, my Lady, the test results were mixed...up...instead...8 weeks pregnant'?! Oh shit."

The queen ran to the empty package she'd ordered from an infomercial ('Instant fertilization or your money back!') and read the back label. "Warning: do not take while pregnant. Possible side effects may occur. We at InstaBabies® are not liable for the abuse of our products."

She bit her lip. Double shit.

And thus, approximately 7 months later at a country home (she'd been on vacation since the potions incident) and with a trusty mid-husband at her side, she gave birth to a beautiful baby boy with hair as black as ebony, skin a healthy pink, oh, and slightly pink lips, too.

"Oh for -- now it's going to look like I cheated on him if I come back with this!" she wailed. Both her and her husband were beautiful brunettes with pale brown eyes, 3rd cousins from a long line of brunettes.

The baby wailed as well, prompting the queen into action.

"Mr. Wammy," she addressed her mid-husband who was tending to the newborn, "Take this child and set up an orphanage of super smart preteens and teenagers dedicated to fighting crime and the forces...of...EVIL!"

"...What?"

"I said I'll give you 1000 gold coins if you take this baby away and never speak a word of what happened today."

"Why should I do that?"

The queen glared, her face still red from the delivery, making her look even more pissy than usual. "Because if you _don't_, I can have you killed for having dared look at the queen in a state of undress."

"But...But it's my job. I'm a mid-hus --"

"Are we clear?"

"...Oh alright. Yes."

"Wonderful! Now take him away," the queen shooed, "His crying is giving me a headache."

--

Mr. Wammy did as he was asked/bribed/commanded and took away the baby, now officially named 'L' after his pen ran out of ink trying to write 'Lawrence' on the birth certificate. He set up Wammy's House with the 1000 gold coins and took in other orphans people didn't want, charging them a fee to take the child off their hands.

Now, 25 years later, the orphanage a lucrative business and the queen long dead after a freak carriage accident, our story begins...

(AN: I really don't know if I'll continue this random plot bunny…it's a little bizarre. :/ Hope everyone had a nice holiday!)


End file.
